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Making the Shift From People-Pleasing to Altruism

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you agree to things before you’ve had a chance even to think it over?

Do you find yourself overcommitted and taking care of so much business for others that you have no time left for yourself?

Altruism is the instinct to help others and is a significant value. When I ask lawyers what they like most about their work, the answer will often touch on how they help. Helping people out can be intrinsically rewarding. It feels good.

People-pleasing is the dark side of altruism. It is saying ‘yes’ and doing things out of a fear of rejection. It can also arise out of feelings of insecurity.

I asked my colleague, lawyer coach Rob DeToni, for his advice for people-pleasers:

I would describe myself as a recovering people pleaser. The questions that I ask myself (from a coach’s perspective) are:

1. What is causing me to people please? Answer: I have a strong desire to be liked by everyone, or maybe even more accurately, I am afraid that someone won’t like me.

2. What stories am I telling myself or assumptions that I am making about the consequences of me saying no? For example, I am assuming that the person won’t like me if I say no. That does not give the other person any credit that they can handle a no response.

3. In a situation where someone has asked me to do something, and I have to decide whether I will say yes or no, I would ask: Why am I saying yes? Is it because I am people-pleasing? Or am I saying yes because I really want to do what they are asking and feel that I can do it?

4. What are the consequences if I say yes but don’t want to do what the person asks? Resentment? Lack of enthusiasm which could lead to poor quality work? Stress? Showing no respect for my boundaries?

Some tips from Rob:

1. Tell the person I need some time to think about it. That way, I can ask myself all of the above questions.

2. Being honest with myself when I ask myself the above questions.

3. If I am going to say no, then say no with conviction. And, don’t be Canadian and apologize for saying no.

Developing your ability to protect time for your priorities can open space for altruistic pursuits such as supporting people or causes you care about.

Bottom line? The source of your motivation matters. People-pleasing based on fear is energy draining. Altruistic activities are energy giving based on love, care, or concern for others. Take steps to drop the people-pleasing and pick up some altruistic endeavors instead.

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