Mindful Communication

I recently listened to an audio book called The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh.

I have read various books by this world renowned speaker and teacher of mindfulness, and I highly recommend reading or listening to some of his work.

I consider myself well versed in the art of communication. I have read many books and articles on how to improve communication in various settings. However as I listened to this audio book, I realized that my view of communication was very one sided.

It seems that most of us think that communication is the way we verbally impart our thoughts to the listener so that the other side will understand what we have to say. However, a very important part of communication is actually being able to listen.

As a very wise teacher once said: “Many times what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks but a special heart that listens.”

The listening part is what most people have problems doing. As lawyers, we are very good at talking, debating and presenting. That is what we are taught to do in school and we continue to be rewarded for our impeccable speeches and arguments in court.

However when it comes to listening, some improvement is always beneficial.

Think about a conversation you may have had with a spouse, partner, a colleague, or a friend. Were you truly present or were you already thinking about the response you were going to give as the other person was talking. If the conversation was heated, were you perhaps getting angry and formulating the response, without actually giving the other person a chance to finish.

These examples are normal human reactions. It is not natural for us to just sit and listen without judgment or preparing a counter response. So in order to learn this new skill, I would invite you to practice what Thich Nhat Hanh called mindfulness.

It is beyond the scope of this article to describe in detail the elements of mindful communication, however I would like to offer some practical tips that will hopefully help you become a better listener and ultimately a better communicator.

Mindful communication means that we use principles of mindfulness such as being fully present, non-judgmental and compassionate when we are listening and speaking. If we are distracted by thoughts of what happened that day or what we will be doing later that evening, or if we are making judgments about what the person is saying, we are not able to fully participate in the conversation. We may be able to hear what the other person is saying but we are missing important elements of the conversation, which may lead to misunderstanding and feelings from the other person that they were not fully heard.

If you want to practice mindful communication, here are some simple things you can do.

Recommendations:

1. If you are starting a meeting, taking three slow deep breaths, helps to calm the nervous system and bring you into the present moment.
2. During the conversation or meeting, when you start to feel that you are getting nervous, distracted, or creating responses in your head while others are still talking, I invite you once again take three slow deep breaths. This will allow you to return to the present moment and continue listening to the person speaking.
3. When it’s your turn to speak, you do not have to rush to respond. You can take a few breaths, which will help focus your mind and then be able to engage in the conversation, addressing the issues at hand, without anxiety or fear.

At this point, many of you may wonder how simply taking three deep breaths is going to make communication easier, especially in high stakes meetings or difficult court proceedings.

It may sound too good to be true, however, physiologically it has been proven that even one deep breath resets the nervous system by calming the production of stress hormones, reducing heart rate and respiration, and engaging the parasympathetic nervous system.

Even a small reduction in stress, will make one listen more attentively, think more clearly and formulate thoughts in a concise and easily comprehensible manner.

We have all been in situations when the person with whom we are speaking is saying things that are making us angry. We feel like a pot of water that is starting to boil and very soon will reach the point of overflowing. This feeling of being unable to contain our feelings results in an urgent desire to interrupt the other person, desperately seeing to make them understand that we are right and they are wrong. This in turn makes the other person angry and an argument ensues which then renders the conversation completely useless.

However if we remember to breath as soon as we feel that the “water is beginning to boil”, we can calm our minds and bodies, and really listen to what the other person has to say, no matter how wrong we think they may be. By using this breathing technique, we do not allow our anger to interfere with our ability to listen, but rather to serenely formulate a response that will not escalate the situation. In fact, by delivering your response in a peaceful manner, the other person is more likely to listen and understand your point of view.

Using mindful communication may require some practice, but at the end of the day, having conversations that create serenity and positive outcomes are worth the effort of taking three deep breaths.

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Disclaimer

The information in this article is not therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, mental health care/treatment, substance abuse care/ treatment, nor is it medical, psychological, mental health advice or treatment, or any other professional advice.

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