Sr. Justicia Cardazanahorias and the Case of the Twelve Red-Bearded Dwarfs

One of our keener readers is the anonymous English magistrate blogger, who proclaims himself entranced by the posting on the new Ontario civil procedure forms, in a post captioned Leading Edge Law From The Land of The Lumberjack and The Beaver Hunter.

He comments:

Slaw is a Canadian legal website, with a technical and IT slant.

Much of it is of strictly Canadian, but I couldn’t resist Changes to the Ontario rules of civil procedure forms which, in its way, is as immortal as Beachcomber’s “List of Huntingdonshire Cabmen”, albeit without the latter’s quality of barely-suppressed excitement.

Readers of Slaw may not have got the full resonance of his reference to the List of Huntingdonshire Cabmen, famously recited by the late Michael Redgrave, but here is the best description:

It can hardly be claimed for the newly published Anthology of Huntingdonshire Cabmen that it is, in the words of an over-enthusiastic critic, ‘a masterpiece of imaginative literature’. The Anthology consists of the more striking names (with initials) from each of the three volumes. It is a factual and unemphatic work, and the compiler has skinned the cream from the lists. Here are such old favourites as Whackfast, E.W., Fodge, S., and Nurthers, P.L. The index is accurate, and the introduction by Cabman Skinner is brief and workmanlike.

Our anonymous English magistrate friend might, of course, believe himself to be a reincarnation of Mr Justice CocklecarrotNow deliciously immortalized as Sr. Justicia Cardazanahorias. whose Case of the Twelve Red-Bearded Dwarfs still outpythons Monty:

Mr Justice Cocklecarrot began the hearing of a very curious case yesterday. A Mrs Tasker is accused of continually ringing the doorbell of a Mrs Renton, and then, when the door is opened, pushing a dozen red-bearded dwarfs into the hall and leaving them there.

An expert witness is called…

Mr Bastin Hermitage (for the defence): Now, Dr Spunton, is there, to your knowledge, any disease which would account for Mrs Tasker’s strange habits?
Dr Spunton: There is. It is called rufo-nanitis. The spymptoms-
Mr Hermitage: Symptoms.
Dr Spunton: Yes, spymptoms, but I always put a ‘p’ before a ‘y’.
Cocklecarrot: With what object, might we ask?
Dr Spunton: I can’t help it, m’lud.
Cocklecarrot: Do you say pyesterday?
Dr Spunton: Pyes, unfortunatelpy. It’s hereditarpy. Mpy familpy all do it.
Cocklecarrot: But why ‘p’?
Dr Spunton: No, py, m’lud.
Later

The court had to be cleared owing to the roars of ribald laughter which greeted the appearance in the witness-box of the twelve red-bearded dwarfs all in a heap. Their names were read out amid growing uproar. The names appeared to be: Sophus Barkayo-Tong, Amaninter Axling, Farjole Merrybody, Guttergorm Guttergormpton, Badly Oronparser, Churm Rincewind, Cleveland Zackhouse, Molonay Tubilderborst, Edeledel Edel, Scorpion de Rooftrouser, Listenis Youghaupt, Frums Gillygottle.

Cocklecarrot: Are these genuine names?
A Dwarf: No, m’worship.
Cocklecarrot: Then what’s your name?
Dwarf: Bogus, m’ludship.
Cocklecarrot: No, your real name.
Dwarf: My real name is Bogus, your excellency.

(At this point the court had to be cleared)