Pro Bono Project for the Season

I tried posting this as a comment to David’s last post, but it wouldn’t go through because of its length and number of links. Due to the pressing and important nature of the issue I decided to re-post it here.

Mr. Santa Claus is wanted for questioning for tax evasion, and nobody is quite sure why there are no export tariffs on his goods. Canada, the U.S., Russia, Denmark and Norway are all laying jurisdictional claim to Santa’s home, and sorting out the conflicting legal systems have proven to be a mess.

Human rights groups have protested that his secret “workshop” actually depends on sub-standard work conditions and a captive ethnic minority workforce. There have been reports that Santa has illegally discouraged the unionization of his elves.

Santa is also wanted for allegedly breaking and entering into several million homes in violation of s. 348 of the Criminal Code. Although there is preliminary evidence indicating that Santa may have actually left the premises with less than what he entered with, a presumption exists in sub (2) that he had the intent to commit an indictable offence.

Due to the tough economy there has been a scarcity of cookies and milk, prompting Santa to allegedly break into a grocery store in Newfoundland. The RCMP are looking for witnesses.

A company in the U.K. is claiming that they own the “Santa Claus” trademark. Despite protests by experts that it’s already part of the public domain, the U.S. Patent and Trade Office added the term in 2000 to a list of recognized trademarks. Older establishments, including a St. Nick, are also laying claim to the name.

Separate claims are pending for patent infringements on digital wish lists. Authorities are also warning consumers of a Santa Scam, where criminals are posing as Senior Elves to defraud the public by sending them money. Intelligence experts insist that Elves remain the largest national security threat worldwide.

The public remains highly sympathetic to Santa. His defenders are claiming that he is actually a victim of identity theft here, and that he suffers from obesity, type 2 diabetes, clinical depression, and is an alcoholic.

Considering all his problems, it appears as if Mr. Claus may require immediate legal counsel. He doesn’t have much liquid assets, so you may have to settle for a gift as compensation, even if it’s just a black piece of coal.

Any takers?

Comments

  1. Santa may need legal assistance, but I see he already has PR folks working on his behalf. See this social media press release from Santa’s Workshop that is already pumping out some responses to various allegations. See especially:

    Nintendo Withdraws Patent Suit Against Santa’s Workshop
    North Pole Partners Fight Copyright Infringement and
    Reindeer Labour Dispute Resolved

  2. I’ve always said that a litigation strategy and media strategy go hand in hand.
    Good to see him fighting back.