Canada’s Immigration Issues

I’m leaving for vacation in about 20 minutes and I don’t want to say I’ve mentally checked out buuuuuutttt…… I may pop up with a post or two over the next couple of weeks or I may save my collected info for a return but before I leave I wanted to make a post detailing some of Canada’s recent Immigration issues (apologies to anyone who may have already seen this).

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt on weekends, say grace before meals, and listen to Bill O’Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. I didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal immigrants, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves .

“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. “They did have a nice bottle of Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When American liberal illegals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from the Bush administration. Rumors have been circulating in the liberal community that the Dept. of Homeland Security has established re-education camps in which liberals are forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, some liberals have turned to some ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some are posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities have begun stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the 1950’s.

“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art history majors does one country need?”

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the Bush administration would take steps to reassure American liberals, a source close to Cheney said. “We’re going to host a Peter, Paul & Mary concert at the White House. And we might put an endangered species or two on some postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out,” he said.



  1. The author is Joe Blundo, and it appeared in the Columbus Dispatch.